Revelations and reflections

It is always a good thing to do a bit of self-reflection, and now that I actually have the time to sit down and think, I realize I haven't been carrying myself in the best behavior lately. Some might blame it on fatigue, but the more I think about it, "being tired" is simply an excuse for myself. No, I think that the Enemy has been working hard at me lately. Whether it is the earful I get from the annoying uncle on my right, or the negativity from a weary heart, I cannot excuse myself of my behavior as of late. I have been very angry, angry and frustrated. About what exactly, I'm not even sure, but there is a rage boiling inside of me, and I need to be careful of what I say and do. I am praying that the Lord will quell this fire inside me with the calm only He can provide. It doesn't even make sense. I'm just angry about nothing in particular, and that alone disturbs me. May the Lord remove this shadow from my heart.

Granted, I am never a friendly person to be around when you annoy me. It is one of my greatest pet peeves when someone interrupts me in the middle of a movie or a TV show, or a broadcast of any sort, particularly broadcasts, because they only show once. You can't pause it and replay those things again, which is probably why I almost snapped this week, but still, that was inexcusable. Simply the thought alone and the not so subtle eye roll was sin enough. Oh the vulgarity that goes in my head. I pray that the Lord cleanses my mind.

On another note, more deep thinking, but I have come to realize the more I am by myself, the more timid I grow. I think it even extends to prayer. The Bible says "ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find," but for me, I am often too afraid to ask, because I fear being rejected. I guess as a person, I fear failure, perhaps a little too much so. Even with prayer, I fear being turned down by the Lord, and do not even bother asking. On the one hand, it is a lack of confidence in myself, and on the other, I lack faith. I doubt whether the Lord will really answer me if I ask, and that alone is troublesome in itself. This is a great achilles heel at the moment. May the Lord change me.