Venting

I seem to have a number of limited outlets in venting these days, and I don't think it would be fair to unleash that wrath on just one individual.  I think I'm just so completely fed up by a system that is arbitrated by incompetent people.  STOP making decisions that you have no idea how they'll affect the people under you.  STOP making changes to a program every term, just because you can.  There has to be a law that protects me or some rule at the university that prevents this.  I am just tired, tired with it and tired with dealing with it.

Perhaps it is a good thing that I'm by myself this weekend, I just feel like bawling to myself and then curling into a fetal position.  Honestly, my sanity is being tested here.  Right when I thought I had everything in order, everything is pulled out from right under me.  I don't know whether to cry or to just scream.

I think lately I've been depressed beyond reason.  It's not the nostalgia, but maybe it's just this streak of bad luck.  I have no motivation.  Every single scholarship application I've applied to this year has ended in rejection.  I am not eligible for any positions with stipends at the university.  I have no reason to believe I can do well on the LSATs, let alone get accepted by Law school and receive funding while I'm there.  I feel like I have wasted an entire year abroad, having learned not a single thing that would contribute to my academic success.  Yes, I have come to understand the culture more in China and even the working environment, but I am just so burdened by this load. Maybe I am depressed... and that's why everything seems so downright gray and dismal.  Maybe I just need to cry, a good long cry, since I've been holding everything in.  It's so downright weak, but maybe after that I'll start thinking like a sane person again.

Oh yeah, one thing I forgot to mention was my recent declining health in lieu with the bad luck.  It started out with not being able to sleep, light sensitivity, noise sensitivity, and then dry throat/allergies developing, post-nasal drip starting again, muscle pain, getting food poisoning, and now I think I might have had a minor heart attack.  I recall reading somewhere that young people have often had heart attacks without even realizing it.  My upper chest cavity all of a sudden had needles in it this afternoon.  If voodoo works, this must be what it feels like, because it was like someone was stabbing needles in my chest.  It hurt to breathe.  While it's subsided now, the pain is still there.  What is wrong with me?