Feeling Guilty

In the good 6 months that I have been in China, never have I felt so compelled to return home immediately. Today, as I conversed with my younger sister over Skype, I was disturbed by the fact that I was completely oblivious to the fact that someone (who I shall leave unnamed) was not only insulting my father, but being condescending to him. It took all the strength I could muster to keep the tears brimming in my eyes from falling.

As I write this now, I am overwhelmed with emotion; I am wracked with guilt at not being able to defend my defenseless father, and yet in that guilt, I am also touched by my father's spiritual maturity. I feel guilty that I was not able to help more. While my father was being 侮辱ed (insulted), I was dilly-dallying my days away. While my father stressed over wording things in English and getting things figured out, I was thousands of miles across an ocean, unable to help. I think it was my sheer obliviousness to the matter and the fact that I did so little, that I may have actually contributed to the conflict happening that bothers me so much. For the first time, in this very moment, I wish I was back home so that I could have done something to help him.

But too much too late, and my guilt does little good. I have a mind to throw some colorful language at this individual that insulted my father so rudely, but that would be unprofessional and un-Christian-like. No, instead, the part where I am touched is the manner in which my father responded to this situation. I think my ire in this situation reveals my lack of maturity. I am too quick to speak, and too quick to anger, when the Bible (James) advises me to be slow to both. I am too quick to throw back insults at those that wrong me, when the Bible (I Peter) encourages me to bless those that seek to hurt me. I struggle and am still struggling with this, especially every morning when I cross the precarious road traffic in China. By some miracle I am alive after each extrication. But anyhow, instead of hurling back like-toned language, my father responded with sincerity. This individual had thrown out a completely "ridiculous" proposal, thinking no one would ever go for a deal like that, as it would not benefit my father. However, my father, thinking only of the client, accepted the offer, and I think it was this sincerity that touched even the individual that insulted my father.

This is what it means to witness to unbelievers through your life and actions, and not just words. I am very proud of my father for having such spiritual maturity in the way he handled this matter. I would've had some choice words for the individual, but no, I am very impressed by my father, and have much to learn from him. I have been extremely blessed by my Heavenly Father with such a wonderful earthly Father. I think with time, I have come to realize how little I know and how immature I truly am. All that people see as maturity is merely a facade, standards of which are wordly and not heavenly. I have much to learn.